


Therapeutic Smiles

by Kentarou_San



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depressed yahaba, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay, M/M, Sort Of, idk - Freeform, its really late, not really - Freeform, okay maybe, this is horrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 06:16:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11983881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kentarou_San/pseuds/Kentarou_San
Summary: Yahaba isn't dealing well with repressed feelings and responsibilities, when he quits the team he just doesn't understand why everyone is so concerned.(I wasn't feeling well when i wrote this and i don't have the strength to fix it.)





	1. I Want to See You Smile

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry this is bad, i have a migraine and have food poisoning so i keep throwing up. This definitely isn't my best work but i figured i should try and post once or twice a week to build up skill.

Kentarou frowns a lot, Shigeru has noticed. It's not that he was staring at him deliberately every moment they were around eachother, it's just... well.. Kentarou just _doesn't_ smile. Of course Shigeru has seen something like a smile on his face, a bitter grimaced one at Oikawa, a forced one at Shinji, and a twisted smirk at other teams when Shigeru knows Kentarou _knows_ he's intimidating as fuck.

But he's never seen an actual smile, one where the crease between his eyebrows disappears as they unfurrow, one where the ghost of a laugh breaks out and the anger dissipates like fog, a smile that makes him look like he's enjoying being in Shigeru's presence. Where he enjoys being around him.

Shigeru didn't mean to let his simple observation turn into something of an insecurity, but that's exactly what it is now. An insecurity that just adds and adds like Tetris, getting bigger and bigger every time their two lives collide leaving thoughts in their wake. Thoughts like:

" _I just gave him a perfect toss, is he unhappy with it- do i need to do even better?_ "

" _All i said was good morning, does he hate me that much to glare at me like that?_ "

" _Did i serve wrong? He's frowning again--_ "

" _Am i such a shitty player that he needs to look at me so blankly? I'd take the glare any day as opposed to this blank look._ "

 

And:

 

" _I should quit volleyball, my spiker hates me._ "

That thought was in his mind now, as he sat in the club room. He was alone, having anxiously spent an extra two hours practicing and practicing to try and improve. It was well and late but he had told his mom he was at a study hall because she doesn't approve of volleyball, but even if it had been midnight (it wasn't) he would still be sat there; breathing heavy, second guessing himself to hell.

"I'll _never_ be good enough.." He said looking down at his hands, the pads of his fingers were rough, red, and blistered; a sure sign of lot's and lot's of hard work. But to Shigeru it just looked like pure failure.

Admittedly all of this was not because of his insecurity about Kyoutani hating him, in fact he knew that said boy did not hate him. They were friends, not best friends but they shared lunch and talked and texted, even if the fact that Kyouken didn't smile or chuckle made him feel a bit sad.

It was mostly because he was going to be captain next year, something he felt unfit for. He was also being pressured by his mother and father to just give up because:"

 ** _You'll never be able to pay for college and a family with volleyball, it's useless._** "

That hurt a lot he would admit anywhere but out loud.

He was starting to feel it too, feel the unbearable weight of captain of his shoulders, feel the sting of being told that volleyball wasn't worth it in his headaches, and feel the ache of letting his spiker- friend down in his heart.

" _I'll just quit..._ i quit." He said as he pried his eyes from his aching and stinging hands, he thought he would feel better after making his decision but for some reason the blood in his palms turned to lava as he pulled off his practice clothes and left his jersey on the bench.

**< 3<3<3<3**

 

The word passed fast (as most rumours do), that Yahaba Shigeru, the up and running captain had quit the volleyball team. In a way it was laughable to Shigeru, that people would whisper about it in the halls, like it was a big deal. It wasn't.

It shouldn't be at least, because Shigeru's skill was mediocre and he wasn't fit to lead a team.

It had been two days, the first day no one but the coaches knew. But according to a very upset Watari Shinji they announced it officially at morning practice. He went through his classes like normal, no one but Shinji (who only had time to talk to him because they were in a few of the same classes) had came to scold him. But Yahaba had only put his head down as his best friend chided him with angry confusion, Shigeru just didn't feel like he could. Correction: he knew he couldn't.

When lunch came around he had nowhere to hide, Oikawa and Iwaizumi had dragged him out of his class room with Shinji and Kindaichi right behind them.

They looked angry, they all did but Oikawa was the most pissed out of all of them. He had Yahaba pinned against the wall with a single glare that screamed " ** _you betrayed me!!_** " He wasn't touching him, but Shigeru felt as if his favorite senpai had his fingers wrapped around his throat.

" _Speak._ " Oikawa's tone was dangerous and filled with fire, and for once Iwaizumi didn't have a glare fixated on his best friend but Yahaba himself.

"Why?" He said back, forcing a confident look while his voice came out strained and tired. He hadn't slept well that night, feeling much too horrible to close his eyes.

"You **can't** just quit! After all i taught you, after i _trusted_ you to take care of the team when i leave! _What the hell_ were you thinking?" His friend's words were shrill, much like they always were. But this time Oikawa's tone held no playfulness, no joking, no hint of fondness. Just pure anger that made Shigeru want to sleep forever.

He didn't respond, just turned and started walking back to his classroom. He could hear nothing but the ringing of his ears as he took hesitant steps that were only ghosts of the confident ones they used to be, he had half a mind to just grab his stuff and walk home.

But a voice, _that_ voice that made him want to drop to the floor interrupted his hand reaching for the door.

" **So you're just going to run away?** " The voice said, causing Yahaba to turn and see Kyoutani beside Oikawa for once. His ears were red and his glare was deeper than he had ever seen, it was obvious, the Mad Dog was fuming.

"Yes." He muttered, turning away and grasping the door. He had only just opened it when he felt hands on his side, pushing hard enough to move him but not to knock him down. The force made him stumble a few feet away from the door but as he righted himself he was pushed again, him mind not registering what was going on as Kentarou pushed and pushed. He tried to open his mouth to protest but the shoves just became more purposeful, it wasn't long until he was pushed up the stairs and up to the roof. He opened the door out and stumbled out into the cold, biting weather.

The last shove knocked him down and he looked up, glaring at Kentarou but Shigeru could feel the way his own eyes had glassed up with tears.

"The fuck was that-"

" **Shut the fuck up!** " Ken cut him off, looming over him in a way that made Shigeru feel small, and insignificant. He hated it.

" **Explain why** _ **the fuck**_ **you quit the team!!** " Kentarou was screaming his head off, it was much different now than it had been when they hated eachother. It was scary now that they were friends and the screams held a caring undertone, it made Yahaba feel even worse.

"I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE CAPTION, I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE ON THE TEAM!!" He started, screaming his head off too but as he finished the sentence his voice lowered. "I have no talent, everyone keeps telling me to give up... i can never please anyone...." He said and stared up at Kyoutani who looked incredibly surprised.

"You should know, you're my spiker. You never seem happy with anything i toss to you, wether it's a volleyball or friendly banter..." He continued then finished, his eyes lowering to his side where his elbow dug into the concrete.

There was silence for a moment, it made Yahaba panic slightly and he could feel the glass in his eyes starting to melt and build up. Kentarou took a few steps and Shigeru registered him sitting next to him, facing Shigeru in a way that showed that he had his attention.Yahaba couldn't stop the words for slipping out of his mouth.

"I never quite feel like i'm enough, especially for you.. i do everything i can but there are people still telling me that my efforts are wasted, that i should give up...." There's a hand coming towards him but he jerks away and faces the other direction, his elbows sting unrelentingly.

"But you're the worst of them." He whispers and out of his periphery he can see the hand zip back, theres a loud gulp and Shigeru shutters but knows that the other wants an explanation.

"No matter if the toss is perfect, or if i compliment a good spike you... just look so disappointed..

Or if we share lunch.. you never smile.... you never seem to enjoy being around me, like you still hate me. And i'm _trying_ , trying so _hard_..." He says and his voice cracks, tears slipping past his shut eyelids and down his face; warm compared to the cold wind biting at his skin and hot compared to the freezing of his heart.

There's a small sigh, like someone's been trying to explain something to a child for a long time, there there's a strong voice very close to his body.

"If i didn't know better i'd think that's a confession, Yahaba." Kyoutani says almost soft and Shigeru pulls away, twisting his body so that his back blocks the view of tears slipping farther down.

"Well what if it was," He says whiping away the uncontrollable waterfall that has over taken his eyes, he doesn't understand what he's saying but his face is red and he just wants to curl up and sleep forever. He wants to _die_.

"What if it **_fucking_** was?!" He repeats with a sob on his lips, there's a bit of shuffling before a large, warm hand grasps his shoulder gently as it pulls him back. He struggles a bit but as his back hits a warm chest and strong arms wrap around him he can't find the strength anymore.

"Then that's okay." Kentarou says, using the new height advantage since Shigeru is pretty much laying in his lap, he stuffs his face into the top of the others soft, sweet smelling hair and breathes it in.

"Don't give up, it's okay." He assures Shigeru again.

 

And Shigeru sighs as his heart beat regulates and his anxiety disappears, believing it.


	2. I Want You to be You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shigeru has a dissociative moment and Kentarou brings him back, crying ensues but there's also love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we goooo!!

Shigeru rejoined the team, he had sworn to himself that everyone would be pissed. _However_  life gave him a break for once and everyone welcomed him back with open arms, even Oikawa who teased him and ruffled his hair mercilessly, telling him that he knew his "oh-so-precious Kohai" would come back for him (as if he hadn't been so incredibly angry the other day). Even the coaches were seemingly delighted, it surprised and shocked the hell out of Shigeru who hadn't expected people to act like he had come home from war. He wasn't Oikawa or Iwaizumi or Kyoutani or even Shinji, he wasn't important but the way people lit up upon seeing him back he was starting to think he was.

Speaking of Kyoutani, they hadn't talked after that day on the roof. It ended in Kyouken clutching Shigeru as he calmed him down, then the bell rand and they parted ways. That was the last of that but Shigeru wanted more, how could he feel better with just that? 

Cuddling on the roof of the school doesn't cure anxiety or the thoughts that Yahaba will do anything but call it what it is. He couldn't. He wouldn't call it depression. And as stated before you can't cure it with cuddling, all it did was push it back.

Shigeru still felt horrible, still felt unworthy, and as more time pasts with no texts or talking between him and Ken it was growing. Growing like a trench, splitting his chest slowly as it tried to expose his heart that burrowed deeper, deeper down. He felt the cracks, felt the bones moving and pushing out of place, and it was _painful_.

" _If i didn't know better i'd think that's a confession, Yahaba._ "

Those words didn't sit right in his head, they bounced around before taking root like a _tumour_ in his brain. Hw felt sick a the tumour grew behind his eyes adding with the words:

" _Don't give up, it's okay._ "

Shigeru is sick, as he just barely sees the ball above his head. The vision is blurry but his other senses have kicked into overdrive, he doesn't remember where he is but he _sees_ the ball, _smells_ the sweat of many other players, _tastes_ the extra spit in his mouth as the ball slumps into his hands. But most importantly he **_feels._** He feels the way the tips of his fingers collide with the hardness of the ball, feels the way his muscles move unstrained in ways that just feel _right_ , but mostly he can feel Kentarou.

The way his spiker is running behind him, he can feel the steps he takes vibrating on the floor. He can sense him ready to just so he launches the ball, it's smooth, peachy texture leaving his hands. There's a harsh smacking sound behind him, then the sound of cheers so close, _too_ close in his ears.

He's out of control, his breath is out of control, his senses, his emotions. He wants to reach out and grab the last shreds of control he can but the threads are slipping from his hands, burning sharp marks into his fingers. Not even his breath is under control, and he falls while trying to steady it, his mind breaking as he _feels_ too much.

It's too much, he's not enough. Those cheers no matter sound like happy go lucky war cries, they sound like the screaming of his parents as another fight about his future commences.

And he continues to fall, feeling like he'll never hit the ground; like all his life has ever been is wind whizzing past his ears as he reaches, _reaches so desperately_.

And suddenly he stops falling, and a rough, unbearably warm hand closes in on his own. Steadying him with strength enough for him to feel weightless but still hold his own.

Suddenly he's not staring up at the opening to the trench in his chest, he's standing, staring into the face that never smiles. He's not enveloped in darkness but standing in the gym, his team giving huge smiles as Kyoutani gently pulls him to line up and bow to the losing team. Shigeru almost stumbles, almost falls again, but that warm hand has him feeling like the jelly in his bones has vanished.

He bows, and his senses right themselves. He can feel his body, he can keep control. And he takes a deep breath, wondering if his air will catch in his throat. But it doesn't and he can't remember how it felt when it had.

There's congratulations as he rights himself and walks to the locker room, he sits but doesn't change; planning to take a moment to enjoy his calm before it unavoidably turns back into a frenzy.

"Are you alright?" He jumps, the words yanking him firmly from his daze. Kentarou is sitting facing him and mocking the way Shigeru is sitting, with one leg thrown over the bench to straddle the polished wood. He's looking at Shigeru intensely as always but there's something softer there, Shigeru also notes that Kentarou has now changed out of their jerseys and into sweatpants and a navy t-shirt. There also seems to be no one else in the room.

"Uh, yeah.." He looks to the side, putting on a mask to hide how much he's thinking about how Kyoutani and him haven't been speaking, and how much he wasn't to talk about what they are. If they _are_ anything.

"You were out of it all the game, it's not that you played bad it's just.. you weren't you." Kyoutani said softly, "And you've been sitting here for almost an hour." He then noted, making Shigeru's head snap up.

"...Have.. i?" He asked though he didn't care for an answer, it was just surprising to hear. He was staring into Kentarou's golden honey eyes wondering if the other boy though that they were just as beautiful as he did, he doubted he did, knowing that Kentarou alway wanted to seem manly and not beautiful because that the girly. But Shigeru always liked feeling pretty, though he liked the way Kentarou acts much better even if it sometimes activated him.

There was a slight nod, and more silence. Silence that brought reality floating back into Yahaba's head. It felt like a heavy weight at fist but when Ken's firm hand found it's way back into his it lifted.

He sucked it a breath and readied himself, "What are we?" He asked making the others sweatpants clad thighs twitch in surprise. Shigeru, in his tight shorts and form fitting jersey, suddenly felt exposed, _too_ exposed.

There was an audible gulp, much like the one from that day, and the hand fitted with his gave a little squeeze. Kentarou looked nervous, like he was expecting anything but this subject to come up. Yet it did, because it had been eating at Shigeru for a long, long time.

The other boy didn't speak so he decided to continue, his head was screaming no but the slowly closing trench in his heart was pushing him to let it all out. So he did, well tried to.

"When you're.. close to me you make everything just, disappear. Wh-when you held me the other day i didn't feel like the world was against me, it was like you were a shelter that loomed tall and..." He sucked in an unsteady breath and hunched over, yet he continued talking the best he could.

"Sturdy... you're everything that i.. i can't be.... but that's not why i've fallen for you. I fell for you because you're hard headed and stubborn and when you're annoyed with me you threaten to hurt me but you never do... you're too gentle for your words and it's amazing-" A broken sob escapes his lips and Shigeru folds himself down to press his forehead to the bench between him. He registers that his hear brushes the inside of Kyouken's thigh but he couldn't make himself care.

"You make the second guessing, the hurtful words, the feeling of uselessness, you make it disappear. And i, i know that i'm not as good as other people, not as good at volleyball, not as smart, not as attractive, not as muscular, but you make me feel like i'm _something_ worth it. And i love it, i.." The other warm hand that's not laced with his ran over his back and Shigeru couldn't help the choke escape his throat.

" _I love you_ , Shigeru." Kentarou's deep, smooth as the honey in his eyes, voice makes him tremble.

"We can be whatever you want us to be but i want to be yours and i want you to be mine. You don't have to be the best at volleyball, nor the smartest, and though your not as muscular i think that you are the most attractive person i've met in my entire life. I love the way you look so confident, i love it when you chide me in that pinched tone, and i love it when you pretend you could win in a fight against _anyone_." There's a let go of breath that tumbles smoothly, Shigeru realizes it's a laugh and peaks up.

Kentarou is smiling down at him with a red face, and God is it an amazing. The way the corners of his eyes have turned up, and the crease between his eyebrows has gone leaving wrinkles in it wake. But then the smile softens ecen more, much more than Shigeru thought Kentarou was capable of. He looks a little sad.

"But," Kentarou tuts, "I don't like seeing you cry, i hate seeing you sad.... you don't look like you." He finishes and Shigeru can hardly breath.

Without a real, comprehensible though he straightens himself and brings the other into a hug. Their hands separate but Yahaba isn't complaining as those firm hands wrap and him and tug his body closer, the angle is awkward but neither of them part until Shigeru's sniffs and trembling shoulders still and stop.

"I want to be yours.." He whispers and Kentarou pulls back to look at him.

"Then we're in this together... i won't let you cry again." It's a promise without promise and Shigeru stares at Kentarou's beautiful smile, mirroring it with glee.

It may not cure him, but Kentarou's smile is as therapeutic as Shigeru needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright this went off of the topic sort but i think it's okay

**Author's Note:**

> Again i'm really sorry, i'll fix it sometime.


End file.
